faith: stepping into the dark

I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year, "Give me a light, that I may tread safely into the unknown." And he replied, "Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than a light and safer than a known way."

- Minnie Louise Haskins

A week or so ago, I was contemplating the unknowns of my life and wishing the Lord would just show me the next couple of steps so I would know for sure what I should do. The principle given in a general conference talk several years ago came to mind: walking by faith is taking a step into the darkness and seeing God light the next step. That's the way my mind remembered it anyway. As I thought of this, the Spirit taught me a different way to look at it: faith is taking a step into the dark and seeing God light that step, then He might hint which direction I need to turn to take the next step, but that step will still be in the dark. I realized that my whole life I wished that God would do it the first way, let me take one step in the dark and then clearly guide me the next couple of steps, but I realized that I have not been truly trusting in God or walking by faith. He's teaching me how to trust a bit more, to take a few more steps blindly in the dark, and to hold on tightly to His hand. 

I'm understanding better the saying: "Become as a little child." Like my nephew in this photo, a little child trusts deeply in their parents and grandparents, trusts completely that their parents are going to never lead them astray. I know deep down that my Heavenly Father will not let me stray far without warning me first. He will never lead me down bad paths. So as I trust Him, He will guide me when He needs to. I am so grateful for a very steady hand to hold on the unknown paths life leads. 

Just thought of another connection: the iron rod of Lehi's dream. When we hold to the word of God, we will always make it home. Why? because doing so keeps us close to the Spirit, God's messenger. So when we hold to the scriptures we also holding onto God's hand.    

the curve balls of my life

I couldn't sleep, so I decided to write.

Life is a funny thing. One of its favorite things to do is throw us curve balls, game changing pitches that throw our personal life plans out the window and make us start at ground zero again. These fateful pitches can be something of sorrow like death or health issues that arise. But they can also be something that brings great joy. They can grow so slowly that they sneak up on you without your notice or come on so suddenly that you have no idea what just hit you. My life is full of these game changers.Here are just a few:

Right after I finished my junior year of college, I had no plans to serve a mission. My twin sister was busy getting her papers ready to send in, and I was auditioning for the marching band and trying to figure out how I would survive without her. Not one month after the semester ended, God wound up for the curve ball. We were on our way home from a family trip and a stupor of thought overcame me, forcing me to put down the book I had been reading. As I thought about my worries of next semester, an outside thought slide past my mind: I could serve a mission. It was a punch to my spirit. It came out of nowhere and I argued with God for a good minute. I waited a whole day to tell anyone, and because the Holy Ghost would not let me live the feeling down, I broke down and told my mom. She was overjoyed. I started my papers, got my call the same time as my sister, served faithfully and have never regretted my choice.

I remember countless curve balls on my mission. Potential investigators suddenly progressing, miracle baptisms, converts dropping off the face of the earth, companion changes, transfers, training, etc. Each and every experience, good and bad, built a roller coaster of an experience that has made me infinitely stronger than I was before.

A slow comer was my tendinitis. I play oboe and struggled with my shoulders, hands, and wrists since high school. When I got to college, it did all right for a while, and then got worse, but I went on. I thought maybe 18 months on a mission would give them the break they needed, but it was just as bad when I returned. I got part way through that first semester back and knew it was bad, so I bought a fancy thumb rest and started physical therapy. I would have good days and bad days, but it never really improved. By January, I was getting pretty frustrated. I remember having one therapy session during which I was close to tears the whole time. When I finished, I got in my car and immediately broke down crying in frustration. This was my last year in the oboe studio, and I wanted to play, to push myself, and become a wonderful performer. I had been thinking about doing a recital too. I basically yelled at God in one of the most outspoken, heartfelt prayers I've ever given. After a few minutes, and my temper cooling down, the Spirit whispered to me my answer: I had nothing to prove as a performer. I was already a good musician and would always be so, whether I played oboe or not. God wanted me to be a teacher, not a performer. From then, though I was still saddened by my condition, I trusted God more. I talked to my professor, and we lightened my playing load. I still had several small successes as a player and a reed maker that semester, and I think I became a better musician by being humbled in that way than I would have in my way.

Now, a good portion of my curve balls come in the form of dating. For example, I always thought growing up that I would be one of those girls who got married young, before they were old enough to go on a mission. Well, that didn't happen. In fact, the only guys I dated before my mission were pre-missionaries themselves...go figure. For a year after my mission, I barely dated. No one was asking. Then, game changer, I've had three boyfriends in the last 4 months....That's not normal for me at all. Each one has it's story of meeting, going on dates, becoming closer, deciding to date officially, and then breaking it off. And still, I'm unmarried (what's ironic is that my twin sister who dated even less than me, found one guy, dated, got engaged, and is now happily married...go figure she would be the first one). I often ask myself and God when it will be my turn. Why, if my sister could get married after dating so few, did I have to endure so many heartbreaks? That answer has come on slowly, piece by piece. My sister and I had different lessons to learn, or the same lesson in different ways. As I've looked inward, I have found my many weaknesses. I have a hard time trusting others completely. I have a hard time confronting conflict. I had a hard time being myself and communicating clearly. I didn't have a clue what it means to really love outside of my family. Each relationship I've had, each guy I've dated, has taught me not only the qualities I really want in a future eternal companion, but also the qualities I want in myself. What I bring to the table is just as important as what the guy does. So I'm learning how to be my best self, how to give of myself unselfishly, how to communicate, how to trust, how to love. And it has also solidified in my mind and heart the standard of living I want in my home, dictating what kind of man I really do want to marry.

Now curve balls come great and small, quickly or over a long period of time, and as crazy as it sounds, I'm grateful for them. If my life was the way I wanted it 10 years ago, I would never have had the experiences I had or learned the lessons I learned or became the woman I am today. I worked with a substitute teacher a few months back and she told me something interesting. She said that she has learned when she makes plans, God always changes them. Her advice to me was to make plans so that God could break them. My words to her now would be: Thank you God for botched plans. So, no matter what lies ahead, I'll press forward, trying to figure out what's coming next, and then roll with the punches when they come. Faith is moving forward trusting that God's got everything under control, despite those pesky curve balls.